


can you fill the empty space of a human being or is it a lost cause, forget it?

by transclawed



Series: teen wolf fics and feelings [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Trans Stiles Stilinski, stiles is always trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 16:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20696720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transclawed/pseuds/transclawed
Summary: a drabble about stiles i found in my notes, i still rather like it so! stickin' it here. cant quite remember what that ending is about rip. still sticks with me that stiles was always just, the only human and he still stuck his neck out for everyone else like. bro





	can you fill the empty space of a human being or is it a lost cause, forget it?

how do you put into words the feeling of not belonging, even among the outcasts and misfits? you don't. stiles is sure others have tried, but considering there isnt a universal phrase or even book people point to to say, "im surrounded by people i love and people who love me but i still feel like the only person in the room who isnt real and im the only one who knows it" there probably isnt a way to put it that.. makes sense. makes others understand.  
its the nogitsune that exposes him. or rather, finally proves he's the weak link in the group. the pack, some would say, but.. stiles was never part of the pack. just scott's friend, just the awkward kid with a stupid crush on a girl who is far too smart and wonderful for him(and a crush on scott, stupid, amazing scott, but that was buried deeper than lydia just to be safe. to protect everything) and he was, as derek put it, "skinny, defenseless stiles." once scott really came into his own, became the true alpha he was meant to be and always was going to be, he made the plans, he lead.  
and they didnt need stiles anymore.  
he knew it was coming, he knew it was inevitable. he still went into the ice bath, he still opened that door, he still went to save the world even if it killed him. he still walked alongside lydia and scott, even though it was obvious he didnt belong. and now, he was being punished for reaching for who he wanted to be. well, he wasnt really sure who he was anymore, but.. everyone dreams.  
and then, of course, stiles could never be sure if he was dreaming or not.  
he never really was sure he was awake anymore, not truly. he watched his own body stand up and walk out the door with lydia and he was still powerless.  
powerless because it was gone. when they were together, they.. he remembered how it felt to twist the blade into scott and he remembered how good it felt, how absolutely fucking delicious it felt to make him hurt and have complete control over it.  
it scared him, of course. there were tears in his eyes when he killed the unnamed people in the hospital, the sheriff's station. he watched through a pair of stranger's eyes as he slashed his way through his own father, scott's mother. allison. aidan. he understood, you know, why jackson hadnt come back.  
its hard to ignore all the blood on your hands.  
and, after the nogitsune, stiles let himself drift. oh, sure, he kept up his appearances, joked and let sarcasm comfort his friends where he.. couldnt.  
and when theo raeken appeared, stiles wasnt honestly that.. surprised to see himself be replaced. everyone moved on, from stiles, finding someone better. someone alive.  
donovan shook him out of his self-induced coma, though. that was all stiles. no nogitsune, no magic, no monsters. just human stiles, and the boy he killed. all he could think, was... even scott couldnt forgive him for this. oh, he'd try. stiles knew scott would try his hardest to save him, to forgive him. but you cant save someone from the damage thats already been done, you cant wash the blood off someone's hands if it keeps coming back. its subcutaneous, because thats what stiles is. he's just under the skin.  
and you cant save someone from who they are. from what they've become. from what they've done.  
so, stiles one day, just.. decides for himself.


End file.
